I spent an hour today looking at Target.com and Amazon.com and putting things in my cart that I know I’m not going to buy anytime soon. They’re not things that I need; they’re just things that I miss.

Like Brach’s conversation hearts.

It’s the Sunday before Valentine’s and I have seen NOTHING related to the holiday (which is nominally celebrated here) and certainly not conversation hearts. Cory hates them. I love them. Feel free to debate the relative value of different colors/flavors below. I usually toss the green and purple and eat the rest in my order of preference: yellow, white, orange, and sometimes pink. Also, the picture above is a lie–there are no blue conversation hearts.

I miss them.

Those went in the cart after my candy canes. Two different people sent me candy canes for Christmas (and I can’t thank them enough!) but it’s February now, and they’re gone and I want some more because they taste like home and Christmas and all things good.

Then I looked at my favorite brand of socks on Target.com and imagined wandering around the actual store before going next door to Hobby Lobby. And then going to grab a donut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles at Rykes on my way home–to the home that is no longer my home.

*Sigh*

I miss things. I miss people too, but to think about them would make me cry and I’m not in the mood for that, so instead I’m letting myself impulsively put things in my virtual cart that I’m not going to buy.

As I was doing this, I thought about the Sara Groves song, Painting Pictures of Egypt. I know I’m where I need to be but I miss things about where I was before. I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way about life right now so I’m sharing this believing it will also describe what some of you are feeling about life but haven’t put into words yet.

Transition is hard. And that’s okay.

I don’t want to leave here 
I don’t want to stay 
It feels like pinching to me 
Either way 
And the places I long for the most 
Are the places where I’ve been 
They are calling out to me 
Like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith 
It’s not about trust 
It’s all about comfortable 
When you move so much 
And the place I was wasn’t perfect 
But I had found a way to live 
And it wasn’t milk or honey 
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks 
And the future feels so hard 
And I want to go back 
But the places they used to fit me 
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned 
Those roads were closed off to me 
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy 
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the Promise
And the things I know

If it comes to quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time in sand?
And if it comes to quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time in sand?

(forgive the video, it’s over 10 years old…)