Real Talk: Shame on the Journey

I’ve been struggling for the last few weeks.  It’s been easy to blame it on so much travel and the uncertain waiting but I finally realized it was more than that (although that would have been enough for me).

I’m embarrassed that we aren’t leaving when we thought we were (this coming weekend).  I’m embarrassed that we don’t know when we are leaving.  I’m embarrassed that we tried, for so long, to get a visa we didn’t qualify for.  I’m embarrassed that this process is taking longer than we thought.  I’m embarrassed every time someone asks us a question about Mongolia and we don’t know the answer (which happens a lot).  I’m embarrassed that I don’t have a lot of emotional resiliency; I’m more easily offended and it takes me longer to shake things off.  I’m embarrassed every time we submit an expense report wrong.

All of that embarrassment, unchecked by truth, has simmered into a nice little shame reduction. 

Shame says, “There must be something wrong with me.”  Something wrong with me for being the kind of person who isn’t in control, for being the kind of person who isn’t perfect, the kind of person who doesn’t know everything about everything.  Just reading that you can see how foolish shame is.

But, oh, shame is powerful.

Shame has been stealing joy and crushing hope. Shame has feeding me sugar-coated lies: “It’s possible to know everything.  If you try hard enough you can become perfect,” and other self-protective, ego-centric, soul-crushing ambitions.

Shame has been making me so. . tired. 

I would really like to wrap this up sharing about how I laid all of this at the cross and felt great relief and am now going about my way a completely changed and renewed person.  But I’m not there yet. Recognizing shame for what it was is about all I have the energy for right now.  Writing about it, giving it words, helps too.  Also, breakfast and a nap will help. But the process of shaking off the cumulative effects of embarrassment and shame will take some time, as will with process of improving my lie/shame radar so I can see this stuff coming sooner.  It will also take time to fight lies and shame with truth.

But I think I’ve turned a corner and I’m not planning to bring shame with me.  

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “Real Talk: Shame on the Journey

  1. Have you not known? Have you not heard?
    The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
    He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
    29
    He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
    30
    Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
    31
    but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
    they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.
    Or
    be embarrassed or shamed by God’s timing
    I hope you find the peace of Jesus this week. Yeah I understand that government bureaucracy is a murky maze of an obstacle,but it is not the Leviathan.

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  2. Trust the Lord with all your heart. Allow Jesus to fill your mind with peace, truth and love. In His perfect timing, the doors will open for you.

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    1. This comment is why I decided to share the link to this post on Facebook. I thought other people could probably relate. Thank you for your reply and for your prayers.

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  3. Thanks for sharing, Jen. I think any of these statements could have been replaced with whichever sentiment each of us is going through (I’m embarrassed when people ask me…) and I’m grateful for your real talk that reminds each of us to leave the shame behind. A powerful reminder. And also…leaving later than expected? I’m so amazed/inspired/wonderstruck that you’re going at all! Don’t let the shame creep in, because where Satan may be trying to make you believe you are inadequate, the rest of us believe (know) you are AMAZING!!

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  4. Have you not seen His hand at work? Re-read your previous blog post about blessings along the way. Would God have provided so much only to see you fail?
    Think of all he has provided, especially the funding, that’s an impossible task by mans account yet, there you are l, fully funded. Despite all the questioning, fear, tiredness and doubt. He was faithful then. He will be faithful now.
    Remember you see only baby steps in front of you, not the full picture. Perhaps there is a lesson here we don’t yet see. Perhaps he has big reasons for the delay. I know not His plans for you but He does.
    So relax (easier said than done.). Enjoy the extra time he has for you near family and friends. Know that it is in His time, not ours that next steps happen.
    I know this. God is with you. He wants the best for you. Nothing else really matters as long as you strive to be in his will. And I know you do.
    Lots of love
    Allen, Amy, Ben and Emily

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    1. Oh, I’m sure he’ll come through, he always does. It’s just easy to get tripped up along the way! We are so grateful for the extra time with family.

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  5. Praying you have answers soon, but in the meantime – rest in God’s Presence!!! And continue saying “I Trust You, Jesus!” It’s my all-time go-to in difficult times!

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